JA Konrath Tweets

Every funny one I've done so far...


I go to a discount topless bar. Everything is 50% off.

I annoy strippers because I'm notoriously cheap, and they hate where I stuff the nickels.

Glaceau has a product called Smart Water, but only an idiot would pay $2.59 for a bottle of water.

I adopted a highway. It cost me $32000 for its first year of college.

I hid some cash in an old sofa that burned in a fire, so I don't have cash to buy a new sofa. It's a real Couch-22.

To all you married guys: Remember when you thought saying "I do" meant never having to jerk off again? We were so naive, weren't we?

I'm starting a website for people who like to take home movies of their potatoes. It's called YouTuber.

The hardest thing about killing zombies is convincing the cops they were already dead when you shot them.

IMO, the only people allowed to protest abortion are those who have adopted 25 children or more.

Am I the only one who thinks scat music is crap?

"Diversity" is just another way of saying "put your wallet in your front pocket."

My buddy told me that cows have four stomachs, but I told him that was a lot of tripe.

I've got an adverb fetish. It makes me really really really really really really really really really really really hot.

My recent doctor visit confirms that you shouldn't use Chapstick you found without a cap on the men's room floor at the bus station.

How do amoebas communicate? Cell phones.

I was all set to go to Scarborough Fair, but I ran out of thyme.

Don't you hate waking up and stepping barefoot on a big pile of dog shit after a night of drinking, then remembering you don't own a dog?

Mr. Milk got picked last for kickball. Because he always got creamed.

Not only was Hitler a maniac who killed millions of people, but he also ruined the "mini-mustache" look for the rest of us.

The votes have finally been correctly recounted in the Iran election, and it is no surprise at all that the winner is... Al Gore.

Did I remember to take my memory medication?

There is nothing at all funny about cancer. Except dick cancer. Dick cancer is pretty funny.

Happy Late Father's Day. (That's for all of you with dead dads.)

I practice safe sex. But my wife accidentally got locked in the safe, and I can't remember the combination.

It's easy to always focus on the negative. That's why I do it, because it's easy.

I was going through my closet and found a "We Shall Never Forget" tee shirt, but I forgot why I bought it.

At the eulogy, the priest said the deceased was now in a much better place. Where? That dark and cramped coffin? How is that better?

Making "best of" lists is silly and stupid, and I've come up with the top twenty-five reasons why.

My best friend died injecting drugs. The coroner removed two joints and a one-hitter from his right ventricle.

When Barbie gets older, will she need plastic surgery?

The secret to partying all night long: adult-sized diapers. Tug one on and party till nap time, baby.

These are trying times. Today, I'm trying some crystal meth.

I went out to eat and tried a Rocky Mountain Oyster. I had a ball.

When our little League Team went to the World Series in Iowa, we had to ride coach. We hated it, but coach gave us each $5 not to tell.

It's not the size of your boat, it's the size of your penis.

I lost my left eye in a terrible texting accident! .>(

Critics who say Twitter is the end result of the ever-shortening attention span of Western Civiliz... BRB - gotta check my email.

Grilled some brats. They were the wurst.

We have a crack whore problem in Chicago. There aren't enough to go around.

Q: What medieval fortune had a large proboscis? A: Nostrildamus! He nose all! -- I think I need to get some sleep...

I'm vehemently opposed to self-defense.

I sved bigg mnoney on my eeyes aat D.r. Bobbs dicountt Lasiks!!1!

I never pulled the wings off flies or stuck firecrackers in frogs when I was a child. That didn't happen until I was in my twenties.

The universe is expanding, which is incredible, especially in this economy.

Being Goth isn't just about dressing in black, getting a nose ring, and listening to The Cure. It's also about eye make-up, and lots of it.

They should have an award for being modest. I'd win, for sure.

My get rich quick scheme, Gently Used Toilet Paper, isn't doing as well as I'd hoped. Perhaps my Second Hand Floss idea will make up for it.

Erosion, though an essential component to understanding earth's geography, isn't very interesting to watch.1

A new drink for the hearing impaired: Liparitas

Instead of "Mothers Day" how about "Sexy Virgins Day?" It can be nine months earlier.

I put a toilet in my Jeep. So, technically, I can now call it a dump truck. Now I never have accidents.

I shoplift at Goodwill stores, but I never steal anything good and always end up giving it to charity.

Some things really shouldn't be artificially flavored. Like guns, or toilet seats.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.

The Oreo juggler was unemployed, because no one wanted to see him toss his cookies.

We used to call him "Fireworks Freddie", which was much cooler than his new nickname, "Stumpy Fred."

I invented an invisible car, but I forgot where I parked it.

I dated a photographer, but she dwelled on the negative.

And on the seventh day, the Lord rested. So how long must we wait for Him to stop resting and get back to work?

I sold my screenplay "Butt Aliens." I got a piece of the back end.

Librarians have big hearts. Probably because they have good circulation.

I wrote a book on snakes, and was bitten eight times. Next time, I'll write the book on paper instead.10:53 AM Apr 29th from web

Had phone sex with my wife. She charged five dollars a minute.

Using Twitter while driving is dangerous. It's too easy to mispell something.

I wrote a book about my car. It's an autobiography.

I just read a book called The Very Small Box, but I couldn't get into it.

I didn't pay back my student loan, so they just repossessed my education. Now I'm not allowed to use anything I learned from '88-'92.

I returned my buffalo cell phone. Too many roaming charges.

I just changed my name to "Car Repairs" so I could get more hits on Google.

We need to focus our efforts and pass laws to legalize marijua... dude, you got any chips?

I wrote a book called The 144 Murders. It's gross.

I wrote another book called The Paraplegic Murders. It'll keep you glued to the chair. You'll read it in one sitting. But the ending is lame.

Years ago, I wrote a book called The Elephant Murders. It's a trunk novel.

I wrote another book called The Chickadee Murders. Buy it. It's cheep.

I wrote another book called The Elevator Murders. It has its ups and downs.

I wrote another book called The Viagra Murders, which will also keep you up all night.

I wrote a book called The Caffeine Murders. It's guaranteed to keep you up all night.

I copyrighted the word "copyright." Now a lot of people owe me some serious money.

I'm writing a book about a man who buys a cemetery, but it isn't a good plot.

My doctor asked if I was sexually active. I said no, I just lie there and my wife does all the work.

I stayed in the homes of some very nice people on this book tour, so I kind of regret peeing in all their shampoo bottles. Kind of.

Research confirmed my cereal suspicions: "Crunch Berries" aren't real fruit. Shame on you, Cap'n.

I need a wireless headset or a third hand, because this "phone sex while driving" business has almost gotten me killed, many times.

If you sunbathe on a nude beach, you can get coconuts.

"Get the lead out," said Mr. Pencil. I admit, he had a good point.

My neighbor, Mr. Circle, always seems to be a round.

It's hard to cosplay Transformers, because fanboys keep trying to bend your legs the wrong way and shove your head down into your neck.

I'm going to open a chili shop and call it The Gas Station.

Bought an electric socket, at an outlet store.

After years of struggle, I've finally overcome my chronic narcolepssszzzzzzzzzzkkkzzzzzzzzzzzzzzkkkkkkk...

If you took all the snakes in the world, and laid them end to end, it would probably take a lot of time.

Hip new name for male on male: pole vaulting.

I joined a bulimia support group. We all have a light snack, then talk about whatever comes up.

Chunky style peanut butter is great. I wish they made other things chunky style. Like hot dogs.

Just saw The Wiz. Disappointed. I thought there would be golden showers.

Every loves the traditional Haknort Family Easter Egg Hunt, except my wife. I think it's because the speculum is cold.

Christ has died. Christ has risen. Zombie! Shoot the head!

I just wrote a bittersweet coming of age romantic comedy screenplay. It's called: Pull Out For The Money Shot. Auditions soon.

I keep having this dream where I'm trying to hunt a pink elephant with big, floppy ears, but my spear is too small and keeps bending.

I'd eat more vegetables if, instead of vitamins and minerals, they were filled with more essential compounds. Like caffeine and alcohol.

Proposed T-shirt slogan for Twitter fans: "I'd tell you how much I love Twitter, but I only have 140 characters"

Proposed T-shirt slogan for the FaceBook aficionado: "I Don't Want To Join Your Damn Mafia"

Proposed T-shirt slogan for the unhappy motorist: "MapQuest Fucked Me"

Proposed T-shirt slogan for the busy parent: "I Am Not Google"

If you're reincarnated in Norway, are you bjorn again?

I'm on the treadmill six hours a day, and I haven't lost a pound. Maybe I need to try it without the roller blades...

That wasn't a flying squirrel! I saw you throw it!

The nurse dove into the pool and saved my life. She's a wet nurse. But what I really want, is a head nurse.

I like to take amphetamines and tranquilizers at the same time, so I can feel normal.

I eat a lot of Mexican food, so as a precaution I installed a seat belt & an airbag in my bathroom. You can't be too careful with burritos.

I didn't know you had to mail back Netflix DVDs. So far "Showgirls" has cost me $687.99.

I'm appalled by all of the pornography on the Internet. In fact, I'm appalled by it roughly seven and a half hours a day.
The answer isn't sex, or drugs, or money. The answer is taking drugs while having sex on a big pile of money.

Just got the Director's Cut of Mary Poppins. Looking forward to the deleted "bad touch" scene & the alternate ending with the waterboarding.

You shouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Unless you really don't like being a parent that much. Or your baby is butt ugly.

I would like sushi more if it were breaded and fried in a square shape, then put on a bun with some American cheese. And served by a clown.

I hate wearing watches, so I trained my dog to tell time and cling to my wrist and bark every sixty seconds. It's so much easier this way.

Birthday wishes are nice. But nobody gave me what I really wanted; a robot stripper filled with gummy bears and cocaine. Maybe next year...

I've spent a lot of time sowing wild oats. I've ruined six Singer machines so far.

I've found the quickest and cheapest way to deal with a runny nose without medication, is the multi-purpose bendy straw.

Never let them see you sweat. If you start to sweat, poke them right in the eyes, Moe style.

I was stuck in the middle of a riot the other day, and the looting was positively horrible. I only got two flatscreen TVs and a Zune.

I just watched a video about trout fishing. It was a streaming video.

Comedians never die. Their jokes live on posthumorously.

I don't see how DNA can catch criminals. It's too small to drive a car, let alone slap on some handcuffs.

I haven't learned a thing in hypnotism class, and it costs $300 an hour. But for some reason I just signed up for six more sessions.

I've planted over three hundred eggs, but haven't grown a single chicken.

I realized I'm not fat; just too short for my body weight. So instead of going on a diet, I'm committing myself to growing 17 inches taller.

I've talked to dozens of people, but nobody wants to invest in my all natural "green" toilet paper substitute; the washable pooper cactus.

I bet if time stopped, there would be very few people who would spend three grand on a Rolex. Especially since we'd probably all be dead.

I don't fear that aliens are reading my mind. The tin foil hat is just a precaution.

It's been 25 years. Did Frankie ever make it to Hollywood?

My beeper plays Led Zeppelin riffs when I get a call. It's my Jimmy Pager.

I'm now on a vegan diet. So far this month I've eaten two vegans.

I want to be a poseur, but I'm really not sincere or authentic, so I just act like one and hope I'm accepted by other poseurs.

My wife is demanding a romantic getaway this Valentine Day, but she refuses to tell me whom she's going with.

I've been hoping for a comeback, but I think I'm about ready to sell my stocks in VHS, Polaroid, and floppy disks.

Just got ten mil in bailout money. Oh, wait, I forgot...I'm not a greedy, overpaid Wall Street banker. Well, maybe it will trickle down.

If someone cut off my leg, I'd be mad. Hopping mad.

Cherish is the word I use to describe. No, wait... I meant "extort."

I don't see why ketchup is considered a condiment--I think it's a perfectly good meal all on its own. Especially if you let it get gummy.

I never let sleeping dogs lie. Dogs should have to tell the truth.

WWJAHD? Drink a lot, then give unsolicited publishing advice.

A nice thing about winter is no mosquitos. That is, until they learn to start wearing parkas. Then winter will reeeeally suck.

It's tough being perfect. You have to be careful you don't make even the tiniest little mistaek.

They should make a video game that's a video game simulator, for when you don't want to play a real video game.

I'm all for equality, as long as I'm making more money than everyone else.

Life isn't about what you can take. It's about what you can take and get away with.

It's important not to respond to your critics. They're far too stupid, ugly, lazy, and smelly to understand anyway.

You have to watch out for bad cholesterol. The other day, I was eating a pizza, and some bad cholesterol stole my car.

I'd enjoy rewriting more if I'd put all the "re" in there the first time.

I don't know everything. I just happen to have vocal opinions about everything.

I went bowling with my son. A ball rolls better.

The waiter thought I was nuts when I asked for A1 sauce. I hate snobs like that. I should be able to pour whatever I want on my apple pie.

I tried to become a male prostitute, but couldn't find any willing partners when I told them I charged by the second.

I found the needle in the haystack. Now what?

Life sucks, but doesn't swallow.

Spanking can cause deep psychological scars in children. So you should wait until they're asleep, then blame it on bad dreams.

I pinch pennies so tight Lincoln's face is on my thumb.

If I had a brand new blank CD for each one I've wasted, I wouldn't be writing this.

It came straight from the horse's mouth. I think it's a tooth.

If you have a gambling problem, please visit www.Bet-It-All-Now.com and win big! All major credit cards accepted.

You shouldn't eat yellow snow, but what if someone spilled Mountain Dew? Wouldn't that be worth the risk? Hmm... it was urine after all.

I'm appalled by how many men objectify a woman's breasts. Maybe you should realize, Mr. One-Track-Mind, she's also got a great butt.

She told me the necklace was too tight and when she finally got it on it made her eyes bug out. I decided not to tell her it was a bracelet.

Someone once touched me in a bad place. Gary, Indiana.

A word to the wise: insisting your profession is "a human sundial" when you get arrested for indecent exposure does not amuse the judge.

It took me three hours to catch that chicken. Talk about fast food.

I finally bought an iPet, but it costs too much to download the pet food.

The Internet has many wonders, but for some reason Amish porn isn't one of them.

She called them "butter cookies" but they were really just whole sticks of butter with sugar sprinkled on top. I ate three.

I saw a cow in a leather jacket and cowboy boots, eating hamburgers, and I asked her why. She had no excuse, maybe because cows can't talk.

She called herself Deja Vu, and I had a really weird feeling I'd seen her before.

Should old acquaintance be... uh... I can't remember.

I can tolerate veins in a hotdog. But I draw the limit at foreskins. Though, I did give the chef a tip.

He was a snappy dresser, until the day he lost both thumbs.

Q What do you call it when a truck runs over your butt? A ;

I hate Quitters Anonymous meetings, but I just keep going for some reason.

For all the chefs: seasonings greetings and happy hollandaise.

I missed mime class, because I was practicing at home and got stuck in an imaginary box.

Some hair should never be tweezed. It takes forever for the swelling to go down so you can put your underwear back on.

When there's something really chewy in the apple pie, but you can't really identify it, I really hope it isn't cartilage.

All men are created equal. But then some open their mouths and really test that notion.

Some of my best friends are books, except for The Grapes of Wrath, which slept with my wife and beat me up and stole my car.

If you had a pocket full of pennies and one quarter, and a coin fell out and rolled into the sewer, it would be the quarter.

Beer--it's good for what ales you.

Indeed, the pen is mightier than the sword. But only the rocket pen, which fires a surface to air missile filled with tiny swords.

I'm going to get a full body tattoo. It will be a picture of someone thinner and more attractive.

I don't think my psychiatrist understands me. Maybe I should have chosen one that speaks English.

I just bought one of those new morse code cell phones. It's totally .- .-- . ... --- -- . ..--.

My publisher is having a holiday special on all of my Jack Daniels thrillers. Buy two books at full price, get the third at full price.

I wrote a book about menopause, but it is hard to understand because it doesn't have any periods.

When the old gypsy cursed me, I laughed in her face. I'm not laughing now, because when she saw me laugh she beat the hell out of me.

I'm fearless, except when it comes to things that really scare me.

Hemorrhoids are awful. I don't know what is worse, the itching, the pain, or the taste.

I don't care if it is another dare, I'll never shave with a rusty bottle cap and witch hazel ever again.

FYI, a screwdriver isn't the proper tool to remove earwax. What was that? You say something?

I like to jog backwards so I can see what I missed.

The doctor said I'd feel a little prick. Then he dropped his pants.

I'm bi-curious, but I feel I'd only be hurt in the end.

I've got a closed-captioned TV on a ten foot stand. It's the ultimate in hi-def.

I invented the world's smallest cell phone. But I can't seem to find it.

Are hearing aids becoming more expensive? I haven't heard anything about it.

Have you ever had an affair with a woman married to someone else? I have. I hope Grandpa never finds out.

Making fun of the elderly is wrong. Unless they're really really old. Then it's OK, because, hey, what are they going to do about it?

Catching a tiger by the toe gets easier with practice, my friend Stumpy told me.

I was addicted to nicotine gum, chewing three packs a day. So in order to ween myself off, I started smoking.

Grandma said the secret ingredient in her cookies was love. But I spied on her while she was baking. It was really boogers.

I'm hoping for the day humans learn to breathe underwater, but I'm not holding my breath.

I have two left feet. They're in the freezer. I also have a can full of knuckles.

My foot was injured at the mattress factory, and now I've got a spring in my step.

The crytographer called in sick, because caught a code. Yeah, I groaned too when I thought of it.

Twenty-five percent of people surveyed claim to understand percentages. The other eighty percent do not.

I asked my wife why she hated sex, but she said she didn't hate sex, just sex with me. I understand. I wouldn't want sex with me either.

I think the candy companies should make a candy that can be not only be eaten, but also snorted. Also, it should have cocaine in it.

Vomiting through your nose is awful, but someone else vomiting through your nose is even worse.

One of the "things" that "writers" like to "do" most of "all" is to "abuse" quotation "marks."

Few things are as crucial, decisive, exigent, foremost, imperative, meaningful, necessary, relevant, salient, and vital, as the synonym.

Sex is great exercise, but I probably need more exercise than just four minutes a month.

Next time you're in an 'everything is a dollar' store, ask the cashier how much each item is. They'll think it's funny, so ask often.

It is finally time for change! Here's a dollar, go get me some change.

Pets enrich our lives, with many essential vitamins and minerals.

People who rate things are overrated.

I'm writing a book about elderly dinosaurs. It's called Geriassic Park. The T-Rex hero breaks a hip, and his children never call.

I wish I could put batteries in my batteries, so my batteries didn't keep running out.

People do the funniest things when they're on fire.

I had a pair of Velcro underwear, but they got ripped off.

I bet when Hormel Foods sends out emails they get blocked a lot.

It took me 25 years to realize it, but yes, Boy George, I really want to hurt you.

I caught a virus surfing erotica online. Syphilis. Next time I'll wear latex gloves.

I was supposed to go to my Stop Swearing class, but they canceled it, those fucking asshole bastard shits.

I wish I had two heads so talking to myself wouldn't look so awkward.

I just found out I'm allergic to myself. Now I can't take me anywhere.

My librarian has circulation problems. And my pilot caught a terminal disease. So my astrologist must have... cancer.

When you're going through ice-cream cone withdrawal, do you get the shakes?

If you take your bike to a smelting plant, is that recycling?

I rewrite all of my stories until I get to the fourth draft. After that, I switch to bottles.

Sure, you can have a sip. My sore is almost gone.

When I saw her, my breath caught and my heart skipped a beat. But I realized later it was really a myocardial infarction.

The best revenge is living a long, fulfilling life. That and burning down their house while they're trapped inside.

I've taken several pilates classes, but they still won't let me fly any airplanes. Look, they can't all be good.

I just saw my first Bollywood movie. It had a caste of thousands.

I hate it when I get a hair on my tongue. Especially when the hair is attached to an angry weasel.

Yellow is my favorite yellowish color, though orange is a close second.

Whenever I go fishing, I'm reminded of an old girlfriend. Her name was Annette. She also had a sister, named Smallmouth Bass.

Ah, October. Time to finally throw out that Christmas tree.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to have bet on the ponies and lost.

Some say you should love your enemy. I say, love his wife. That'll really piss him off.

The things that come out of the mouths of babes. Like this toaster. How'd he fit that whole thing in there?

I don't understand nuclear fission. First, how do you get the poles and hooks that small? Second, why is my hair falling out?

Roget had waaaay too much free time.

Sometimes the truth hurts. Especially when it's followed by a severe beating.

If I had a ten dollars for every car accident I've ever been in, I still couldn't pay my insurance.

I hated him, but he said I couldn't judge him unless I walked a mile in his shoes. So I beat him up and took his shoes.

Senility isn't all bad. Buy one magazine, and it entertains you for the rest of your life because you keep forgetting you read it.

One thing that has never caught on as a form of group celebration and entertainment, is the enema.

I've written a book about Viagra. It's a pop-up book. It was a hard book to write.

I named my daughter "Virus." Isn't that catchy?

I think the best headache medicine would be when you open the bottle, a monster jumps out and chases you all around the house, trying to kill you. I bet thjat would really take your mind off of your headache. it would probably work as a laxative, too.

I like to go hunting for deer with one of those toy guns that has a little "BANG" flag pop out when you pull the trigger. Then, when all the deer are laughing at my joke, I shoot them with my 12 guage.

Sex is best with someone you love. That's why I love everyone.

My whole family loves "Pirate Day", especially my ten year old son. We make paper pirate hats and swords out of cardboard, and draw pictures of pirate ships, and then break into people's houses and rape and pillage them.

If you fart while breaking the sound barrier, does it catch up with you later?

Fingernail biting is a bad habit, but it's even worse when the fingers aren't your own.

I'm not afraid of genetically altered or irradiated fruit, except for that giant pear who followed me home and beat me up and stole my TV.

It's not really "stealing" if you plan to return everything you stole some day, perhaps after you die.

He said it was CPR, but I was only sleeping. Also, I don't think CPR uses tongue.

I've discovered -PEPSI™- an easy way -HONDA™- to make extra money -IBM™- with Twitter -ZIMA™-.

This writing business isn't about "publicity." Or "fame." It has nothing to do with the amount of "money" we "earn." As "writers" this "business" is about "one thing" and "one thing only"---our "ability" to abuse "quotation marks."

It was exactly like the blind leading the blind. Except no one was blind. Or leading anyone anywhere. Also, we were all asleep.

It would be cool to be a shark, but not without its specific challenges, like driving to work and breathing air.

When I'm fishing I don't use hooks because I don't want to hurt any fish. Also I stay away from water and boats and the outdoors. So basically I just sit on the sofa and watch TV.

Making "buttered popcorn" using styrofoam packing pellets and motor oil isn't as tasty as it sounds.

I wish I had an angel & devil appear on my shoulders every time I had to make a moral decision, because I could eat those guys when I was hungry.

When you're a professional eater, a lunch break is just more work.

It's always darkest just before the vampires attack.

As I turned my head and coughed I thought, "How lucky I am to have found a doctor who gives free exams in back alleys."

I bought some Dutch cheese, and it was really Gouda.

Just wrote my first romance, "Nibble The Taint: A Geriatric Love Odyssey". Now looking for a cover artist. And a publisher. And readers.

Today I have spontaneity practice, followed by my Procrastinator's Anonymous meeting, which I'm going to blow off.

I'm stating a new club called "Everyone Is Excluded." I'd invite you, but I'm not invited either.

A child's laughter is more precious than gold. I keep telling the pawn shop guy that, but he still won't buy my son.

I'm reducing my beer consumption to one glass a day. Anyone know where I can find a 200 ounce glass?

I don't feel bad about stealing music online, because I only steal songs that I really hate and will never listen to.

People spend a lot of money to get rid of wrinkles, but you can attach a bike pump to a needle for around ten bucks.

Snacks are like sex, and I'm looking to get Frito-laid.

Facebook? How about "Buttbook." I'd join, just for the profile pics.

I wrote a book about potty training. It was a number two bestseller.

Time is relative. That's why I call him "Uncle Time."

I'm writing a novel about a dwarf. Does that make it a short story?

With some lube I can fit my whole hand up my nose.

I'm starting to think that Beatles' song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds may be about some sort of drug use.

I can make blue cheese, with the right color marker.

A bagel is like a donut without the fun.

I wonder if my toes are happy.

That Jughead sure can eat! Silly Jughead!

Maybe there wouldn't be so many poor people in the world if they all had a bunch of money.

Black is the new black. Except it isn't so dark, and has a hipness it lacked before.

This year I'm voting...for flavor.

I can taste my own tongue. Could be the vodka.

I don't think caffeine is a drug, but coffee is a lot easier to ingest by mainlining.

Are scabs low-carb?

Having twelve fingers would be awesome. Except when it came time to buy gloves...

Sleep is overrated. So is Casablanca. They need to remake it with Will Ferrell. That would be funny. Also, add some kung fu.

Ben & Jerry are trying to kill me. They need to have stents in their pints.